Blow Blows

     I hate watching music videos. All of them. I hate them on principle, and while that usually is ignorant, I believe that my reasons for this case are valid. When I listen to music, I let my imagination run free. Sometimes I picture a story, sometimes I am reminded of a memory, good or bad, and sometimes I don't imagine anything. But I like it that way. I have seen only a few videos over the years that have not angered and annoyed me; if the song tells a story, the music video should tell the same story.

     Allow me to clarify. For those of you who haven't seen the music video for California Girls by Katy Perry, what does the song make you think of? For me, it was a perfect summer song, about how the girls in California are so hot and fun and life is such a party, nothing bothers them, all the guys want these girls and California is amazing. Yah. Now go watch the video. See what I mean? Now you won't be able to listen to the song anymore ever again without picturing Katy Perry prancing around candy land like it's the next Willy Wonka's Factory, lying naked in the marshmallow clouds and lactating whipped cream. Please oh please explain to me why this is a)entertaining, b)appealing c)relates at all to California and the summertime. You see, the song is ruined forever.

     Songs which have good videos: Taylor Swift's You Belong With Me (I think this is a perfect example), Hedley's Don't Talk To Strangers or Dierks Bentley's Settle for a Slowdown. See what I mean?

     Back to the matter at hand. Ke$ha. Need I say more? (or does the dollar sign in her name speak for itself) On the docket tonight: Blow.

     In all honesty, I didn't really have much of a picture in my head with regards to this song. Just some major partying, perhaps some exploding fireworks. She and her posse of crazy people get in the back door, everyone is so excited to see them, and they take over the club with their music, dancing on the tables and DJ booth and whatever. Of course that is far from the truth.

     Observe. Seriously, seriously creepy unicorn headed people drinking champagne with Kesha. Oh, and enter James Van Der Beek. Yup, Dawson from Dawson's Creek. Okay buddy, maybe you feel the need to re-enter the spotlight, but in a Kesha video? Bad idea. So Kesha and Dawson are eye-fucking each other across the room, interrupted only by Kesha making out with a unicorn. No biggie. Glance away for a second, and when you look back, you get a juicy shot of JVDB air humping. Then they each take off their black lacy bras, and come together in a sexually charged, creepy confrontation. Oh, my bad, James van der Douche. Then they have a laser gun fight, ending in the beheading of Dawson, who is now James van der Dead. Sooo clever.

    I sentence you to Blow Chunks.